Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Someone shit on the floor
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize