So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"