The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...