well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas