It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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