you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
