before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
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Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
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You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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