Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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