mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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