Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
