I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
