I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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