I swear she didn't look like that last week.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
