Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
