He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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