Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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