My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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