Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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