She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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