I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Someone came in the potted fern
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
