I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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