i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
