I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
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I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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