Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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