I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
