Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
