Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."