Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
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I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
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Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.