I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Two words: blizzard sex
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
