I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
jump out the window naked night went bad
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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