naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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