I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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