first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
