You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.