Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.