I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
handjob tips. give me some.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Randomize
