I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
