I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize