don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
