you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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