Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
