Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
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I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?