I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.