You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...