Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.