I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
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And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
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Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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