I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
