If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
