We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
