She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
