Im at strip club and am horny
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
