I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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