Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
