Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.