sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.