Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he just fucked me for my cheese..