Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
