Cold hands, warm shart.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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